contemplative ... and probably a bit rambling.

For the past few months, I've been thinking about what I want out of life. This could be a post about my personal life, as I've been sorting through some thoughts there too. But this post is going to focus on my education and my profession. It's something that has been on my mind for --- well depending on how you look at it, either a few months or many many years.

The past ten months have been some of the toughest I've experienced. Yes, I do remember when I said it couldn't get worse than that French class in my "senior" year of college. No, not the grammar one. Remember, I'm the weird one that likes grammar. Anyway. I feel as though all parts of my character, as well as my physical well-being, have been tested. I've gone through such an extreme range of emotion --- excitement, happiness, anger, frustration, indifference. I think the worst of all, though, is the last one. I think that is the emotion that comes after you've given almost all you can give with barely any guidance, limited support and even less recognition during your first year in the workforce. I'm hoping things improve for the better soon, because I honestly don't think my feelings on the subject can get much worse.

The most interesting observation I've made thus far regarding my specific career choice is that I'm actually quite fond of fund-raising. When it's being managed well and done correctly. When it's about the people and not about their money. I feel I have so much to learn. I attend monthly AFP (Association of Fundraising Professionals) meetings and leave feeling so inspired. I want to be able to do all of the things we discuss at these meetings, but at the moment I can't. It's on these days that I feel the most excitement and happiness ... generally followed by the most frustration and unhappiness. I'd give just about anything to work full-time with any of the development directors I've met through this organization. I firmly believe there is no better way to learn and grow than to work alongside someone who knows what they're doing, someone who wants to be successful and improve in their own work. My current situation is more frustrating than I can even express.

Which has led me to ask the bigger question: what do I want to do with my life. When I am brutally honest, what do I see when I picture the dream job I keep telling myself I want.

For the longest time, I wanted to be an editor. Of what, that changed every time the wind blew. Sometimes I still wonder what life would be like as an editor in a publishing firm in NYC. The dog-eat-dog world really isn't my style, but my love of correct grammar, a good story and the city will probably never end. I'd still take an editing job if the right opportunity showed itself. But is it my dream job?

In college, I entertained my investigative side. I loved my major, despite a number of people asking me what it would ever do for me. I was fascinated with intelligence, the history or terrorism, foreign policy and national security strategy. I still enjoy reading about these topics, but have found I miss having the discussions college classes and friends provided. I was probably a strange college student. I actually favored my a few of my textbooks over late night drinks. I thought I wanted to work for DoD or the State Department. Moving to DC was high on my list of priorities, as was a security clearance and whatever else it took to acquire a job as a national security adviser. Not THE National Security Adviser. Just an adviser. Unfortunately, one of these requirements was fluency in a foreign language, and it's something I just don't have a knack for. Speaking anyhow. And about 8 months before I graduated, I realized my priorities had changed. That fast-paced city life wasn't exactly what I wanted anymore, as I saw several of my friends opt for the small city life and dogs. There was something to be said for man's best friend. I didn't see this meshing well with the other life I'd envisioned. I sometimes wonder, as I browse my bookshelf full of terrorism and policy books, if I jumped the gun. My life now and that life could mesh. It'd be tricky, and require different sacrifices. But I could probably pursue that high-profile security job if I really wanted to. Is that my dream job?

And when I think about all of this, I wonder - am I trying to fit a mold of someone I think I need to be? My family expected so much of me when I was growing up, told me I could be anything I wanted. That's not what they meant. They meant I could be a doctor, a lawyer --- someone powerful who made a lot of money. And that's what I feel like I should be doing. These two potential dream jobs have that and a few other things in common: living in a big city, high-profile, chaos. I've always been a person that strives when a million things are going on, but I have a feeling part of what makes these jobs so appealing is that I could tell people what I did and they'd say "wow." I don't want to want the "wow" factor. When I look more at who I really am, and not who I think I need to be, I see something totally different.

If I could let go of everything and just do what I want? I think I'd open my own business. Or three. Maybe I could combine them? I'd own a little piece of commercial real estate that combined a bakery, a book store and a gift shop. My bakery would feature my grandma's best recipes, some candies (buckeyes, of course) and cookies (pumpkin year-round, plus sugar!). The book store would feature a section of "Community Reads" where everyone could exchange recommendations and swap books. And my gift shop would carry creative (not corny) cards, quality paper and unique gifts. I would have boxes in all shapes and sizes for all of those gifts (never run out). My gift shop would be special because I would offer free (or very cheap) gift wrapping services year round. This is what sounds fun to me. Baked goods, books and gifts. Shared with people. Could it get any better?

Trust me, it sounds a lot better than sitting at a computer desk straining my eyes and coughing all day long. And I might still get that "wow" --- but I don't think it'd matter.




EDIT: There's more where this came from. I just don't have the words yet. I haven't even touched on what my husband's military career means for any of this, and that is a few dozen posts in itself. With tears on the screen. And I haven't mentioned my thoughts on whether those family expectations have become my own. At times, I wish I could be the person that doesn't think about a thing. Or, perhaps I enjoy the thinking and not so much the worrying...