finding inner peace

warning: very long. high odds for rambling sentences. i hope i actually got to the point by the end ;) oh, and ps, i will update on what we have actually been up to shortly!

the serenity prayer has always been one of my favorite theological writings. regardless of my age, my surroundings or various events taking place in my life, i have always found great meaning in the prayer's words. they've been especially soothing the past few weeks.

my eyes have always been a bit bigger than my plate. not so much in terms of eating, although that is usually the case when it comes to dessert menus and the holidays, but definitely in terms of time. i would not describe myself as overly social, but i prefer being out and about, exploring and participating in a variety of events. as is to be expected, this leads to a full schedule, a bit of anxiety and little time for much needed r&r.

in high school, i had one of those large dry erase calendar boards that was so full i couldn't have fit another word on its surface.and this usually was the case well before the second day of the month arrived. i was a planner and a doer. every minute of every day was filled.

i revolted a bit in college. i stopped wearing a watch in hopes that i would become less focused on my schedule and staying busy. it helped a little bit, but then i realized i didn't know what to do with myself if i wasn't busy. i volunteered for a number of groups, took extra classes, spent weekends on the road visiting friends or family. i just couldn't sit still or have a "free night" -- and on those rare "nothing planned" evenings, i often wondered if there was something wrong with me. with 50,000 kids on campus in a thriving city, no one should ever have no plans. or so I thought at the time.

not much has changed in the year or so since my college graduation. in fact, things may be worse - only in the sense that my schedule is fuller than ever and i find myself constantly fretting over a few things i can't really control:

i am still boss-less at work, which i've come to accept as something that is bound to stay the same for at least awhile longer. for the past 8 or so months, i've taken this to mean that i need to tackle more important, and simply more, projects. if you'd like to see my exponentially growing to-do list, e-mail me. this post will be long enough without it! it's paid off --- literally. this week alone, i processed roughly $30,000 from a variety of sources. at the beginning of october, i was anxiously reading guidelines -- which were approximately 50 pages long -- for a major grant proposal from the institute for museum and library services. this organization provides funding through a number of different initiatives in an effort to strengthen the ability for both museums and libraries to better meet their missions. i worked on the same grant, give or take a bit, for one of our education programs last year with my (then) boss, but unfortunately did not receive funding. after discussing options with a few staff members, we decided to request funding for a pre-k outreach program we've been looking to launch for quite some time. i worked diligently ---and i do mean diligently-- with one of my colleagues to hash out some finer details and after about 2 weeks of crunching numbers and brainstorming, we both realized that the program wasn't quite "big enough" for the request we were planning to make... a cause for a bit more anxiety at first, but after getting approval to disregard this particular proposal and focus on local support for the outreach program i am (slightly) less stressed about work. thank you God for helping me to follow my gut instinct in accepting something i could not change: the amount of time we had to develop this proposal and the overall reach of the program. for the courage to change something i could: our approach for funding. and the wisdom to know the difference.

mike and i (and the furry kids) are scheduled to move next summer. last week, we prioritized our "picks" for open transfer locations, reviewed and finalized the list. this week, mike has gone through the rest of the procedure (e-resume, "cover letter", command endorsement) and may (or may not) have submitted everything to the detailer. we will not receive orders until at least february, which gives us a lot of time to sit and ponder many questions. namely: what if? where are we going? where will we live? will be able to take both of our dogs? if not, then what? where will i (jes) work? will i have options, or get stuck working an office job, retail or food service? what happens to my career? will i go back to school for a master's degree? will we be closer or farther away from home? ... obviously, we can't actually work on finding answers to most of these questions until we know where we're going. others, like "what if" are simply pointless. and because it is ultimately the detailer's decision on where we go, i can't do much until those orders arrive. searching for houses, schools, jobs, etc. is pointless if you don't know whether you're actually moving to whatever city. hopefully it's a city. thank you God, for the helping me to realize i shouldn't be worried about this right now. perhaps the acceptance will come with time, and the courage to answer those questions when i am able.

to take my mind off of this, i've decided to focus on the things i can do. like finishing our wedding thank you notes that should have been in the mail months ago, browsing through our wedding proof book to put together an album, updating my address book (almost time to start writing that Christmas letter!), and really cleaning the house. it needs a good scrubbing and doing so with good music keeps my mind off the things i can't change.

i honestly think this little prayer keeps me sane on some, or more than likely, many occasions.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

.... i plan to keep learning to live one day at a time and for each moment i'm given. i took a big step forward in college when i got rid of my watch (it's still gone!). perhaps someday, i'll shed the notion i've developed of what makes a person "succesful" (and therefore happy), trash the to-do list and simply relax and enjoy all the goodness life has to offer. i'm looking forward to someday.